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HUMOUR

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Laugh your way to health

Laughing is one of the least expensive and best methods of increasing the quality and quantity of your life! Plus it is fun.We will be featuring options in every issue including the odd bit of humour. The key is to allow yourself to really "Laugh Out Loud" when you see or hear something funny. It sets up a chain reaction to your cells and they immediately start vibrating on a higher frequency that triggers your glands to automatically release endorphins and you feel good.

Here then is a funny definition of Success : )

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . ....having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . .......having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . ...........having sex.

At age 35 success is . . ...............having money.

At age 50 success is . . . .............having money.

At age 60 success is . . . ..........having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . .......having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . ......having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

 

Humorous Quotes   

  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not ! for you.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Laughter Therapy a free cure to aging

Laughter has been found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress and increase muscle flexion.

Laughter boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies.

Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being.

Laughter is infectious. Hospitals around the country are incorporating formal and informal laughter therapy programs into their therapeutic regimens. In countries such as India, laughing clubs -- in which participants gather in the early morning for the sole purpose of laughing -- are becoming as popular as Rotary Clubs in the United States.

Humor is a universal language. It's a contagious emotion and a natural diversion. It brings other people in and breaks down barriers. Best of all it is free and has no known side reactions.

Give yourself a daily dose of laughter by sharing jokes with friends or coworkers, watching funny videos, or reading humorous cartoons or satire. And when a stressful situation arises, try to respond with a sense of humor, rather than with hostility or anger. It has been established beyond doubt that laughing has a positive impact on the various systems of the body...and its free! Hence it is said that ‘Prevention is better than a Cure" It is said that "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".

 

What You Eat...

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you

 

Defining Old

"OLD"
IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

IS WHEN...... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

 

The panhandler

n unkept looking panhandler, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the panhandler.

"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the panhandler.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man

"Never," says the panhandler, "I don't play golf."

"You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or
rods, would you?" asks the man.

Never," says the panhandler, "I don't fish."

The man asks the panhandler if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The panhandler accepts eagerly.

While they are heading for the man's house, the panhandler's curiosity gets the better of him."Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish, gamble or play golf."

 

Short Snippets

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." * Paul Rodriguez

"Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." * Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." * Drew Carey

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'" * Richard Jeni

 

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You've Had Too Much To Drink
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You've Had Too Much To Drink
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You've Had Too Much To Drink

Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

HUMOROUS QUOTES

  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not ! for you.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

LaughCast

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why the H do you care if you live to be 80?"

 

Have a break and listen to the

The Laughing Song

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LaughCast

The Four Stages of Life
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.

Great Truths About Growing Old
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.

- When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

-You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

- Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

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